State of the Body Address

I'm 28 today. Looks like a long and fun
road before I croak. As I take this road I
now know that my body will slowly
disintegrate.

With this in mind, I decided to do a State
of the Body Address today. It focuses on
the parts of my body that are falling apart.

Knee- My knee was hurt about six years
ago. I overtrained. It hurt but I kept
running and really hurt it. It hasn't
recovered. I can still run but I have to
moderate my training program otherwise it
flares up.

Wrist- My left wrist hurts sometimes.
Probably carpal tunnel syndrome caused by
the computer.

Pee Blood- Every now and then after a bike
workout or run I pee blood. It scared the
ever-loving crap out of me. I went to the
doctor. They shoved needles in me. They
put a camera up my weehaw to get a look at
my bladder. They did MRI's. Couldn't find
anything. They concluded that sometimes my
bladder rubs itself and opens a blood
vessel or two. They recommended that I not
pee before workouts.

Headaches- I've had a lifelong history with
migraine headaches. I still get them. I
try to isolate the causes but they're still
unpredictable. When I get one I can
sometimes end it within 6 hours with
ibuprofen. If I take ibuprofen and it
lasts over 6 hours then I know that I'm in
for at least 48 hours of pain. I've
learned to deal with it and wouldn't have
it fixed if I could. After headaches I
appreciate life more... I feel more
creative... more motivated. The sour makes
the sweet that much sweeter.

Teeth Dirty- My teeth are a little greener
than I'd like. About five years ago
Heather put me on a bleaching plan. It
worked and I liked the results. Five years
later they're a little green. Not bad.
But a little less than perfect.

Hairline- My hairline has receded in the
last two years. Proof is in the little mole
on my right brow. For my entire life it
was covered up by hair. Now it's not. No
big deal.

Belly- The biggest complaint I have about
my body as it ages is my belly. I haven't
been working out as much as I did in
previous years. My belly is now collecting
fat. It's a combo problem. First, my
muscles aren't in shape. This causes my
back to bow and my belly to protrude. I've
always had this issue and simply do more
workouts to fix. But these days, after a
month or two of workouts to get the muscles
into shape I still find that I have a layer
of fat that makes my belly bigger. It's
odd on me because I'm basically a stick
figure with a pot belly.

Warts- On my hands I have some little
warts. I treat them with acid but they
come back. Not a big deal... they're not
big ones.

Sensitivity to environment- I'm not sure if
my body is more sensitive or my mind is
more knowledgeable about my body. When I
eat certain foods I get more tired or more
awake. This never used to happen. I used
to be able to eat a pound of solid sugar
candy and feel no difference. I like to
think that I'm just more in tune with my
body. Reality is probably that my body is
less efficient and more sensitive to the
environment.

Can't get drunk as easily- When I was 16 I
could drink a few beers and be drunk. My
cheeks were numb. I couldn't feel my
tongue. I saw double. Now I can drink a
six pack and feel normal. Note: I won't
drive after even one beer.

Eyes- My eyes are weaker. I bought a
computer with super-small fonts. I paid
extra for it. I sent it back because it
made me see double... literally. So I went
with another one, but it didn't have large
enough fonts. I used it for a year. It
hurt me. My eyes don't focus as quickly as
they used to. I can still see as clearly
as I used to but I have to work for it.
This scares the crap out of me. I'm a very
visual person. I hope that they'll have
techniques to fix this type of vision loss
when I need it.

Penis- Working perfectly, thank you very
much. If you happen to be a supermodel
you're more than welcome to prove this to
yourself. Or have me prove it to you.
Damn, I'm naughty. Clarification: If you
happen to be a *female* supermodel of
international acclaim.