That's Some Powerful Xxxt: I Can Do This!

The first time I held Ava I was scared. I read all the books. Had the book smarts but no idea what to do. The first evening when Heather and I had Ava alone only intensified this feeling. Every time Ava moved I wanted to check her breathing. She felt fragile compared to my massive rippling muscular arms.

I wanted to take care of Ava, but I had no idea how to do so. I felt helpless, scared.

The next morning I was holding Ava. She was happy. Smiling. Heather decided to take a much-deserved shower. I remember that when Heather closed the door to the bathroom I felt scared. Scared of being alone and breaking little Ava.

After only a few minutes Ava started to cry. Big loud screams. She was not happy. I tried to comfort her, but unlike other times she didn't calm down. I eyed the nurse call button. Before I pushed it I ran through the checklist the nurses gave us. She was breathing. She was not grey in color.

I put Ava into her crib and watched her scream out in apparent agony. Had her lung collapsed? Maybe her appendix ruptured? Something was wrong and I wanted to help but I had no idea what was wrong.

I unwrapped her. She looked fine, but cried more. Then I checked her diaper. Pay dirt! A big dark poopie!

So I changed her. Mind you, I had no idea how to do this. Heather and I hadn't had to change a diaper yet. Ava was all of 18 hours old. I found some wipes and a diaper. I cleaned her off. I figured out the diaper. I wasn't sure if it was on right but I knew it was close enough for government work. I swaddled her and picked her up.

And then it happened: she stopped crying. She was content. I had solved her problem! I had connected with her, figuring out what her problem was and solving it.

It was a huge moment for me. Immediately I realized that I had "it": An ability to connect with my daughter. A set of common sense knowledge that would allow me to take care of her. A willingness to explore what's wrong and make things better. A desire to make my daughter happy.

This simple episode was a huge confidence-builder for me. A huge change in my sense of fatherhood. I can do this!

Since that huge moment we've been able to find a number of things that upset Ava. She's peed on me. Pooped on me. Spit up on me. And each time Heather and I have figured out what's wrong. It's liberating. It's exciting. It's fatherhood. And each day Ava teaches me something new. And it all started with a dirty diaper.

Now that's some powerful Xxxt!

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  poop ava